Five Rules for Surviving a Horror Movie

Many sites give silly lists, and even this list has been done at Den of Geek recently.  However, here’s my take on “how to survive in a horror movie.”  Actually, these are pretty good rules for surviving just about anything.

1. Know the exits
More than just knowing physically where the exits are, have an escape strategy.  Work on the top floor of a building?  Consider for a moment how you’d escape in a zombie apocalypse.  Stairwells would be useless, clogged with the undead slavering for your brains.  Despite all conventional wisdom to the contrary, the elevator is your best bet, but not riding in the car – enter and use the hatch in the top reach the shaft.  You may find a safety ladder, or if not, ride the empty car down on top, so that when the doors open, the zombies don’t see you.  You can then time your escape.

This also works for blind dates, only without the whole elevator thing.  Instead, have a buddy ready to ring your phone upon receiving a text for help.

2. Go on the offense
Movie monsters are rarely prepared for someone who is not simply trying to defend themselves.  By no means does this imply you should suicidally run at the insane chainsaw wielding rodeo clown, but you should work on traps, ambushes, and generally take the offensive against the aforementioned bozo.  Look for ways to drop heavy objects on your enemy, or strike from concealment.  You can be a victim or a volunteer – be a volunteer.  Then you control the situation.

This also applies to your love life.  Be bold, ambush your lover, tie them up and declare victory!  Or, you know, buy them flowers when they aren’t expecting it.

3. Fear is for pussies
Whether facing an unnamable horror from beyond the stars or your run of the mill non-sparkly vampire, remember that fear is a weapon of your enemy.  Squash the fear with another emotion; rage tends to work well.  Think of all the things the monster has screwed up for you.  Did they make you miss your favorite TV show and you don’t have it TiVo’d?  Rage!  Did they interrupt you during dinner and you didn’t get to finish the apple compote in your Hungry Man?  RAGE!  Never allow fear to be the driving force.

Oddly enough, this is a rule to skip in a relationship, unless you replace RAGE with LOVE, but then the whole thing gets all silly with hearts and bunnies and lace doilies, so you’re probably best to forget this one in a relationship.

4. Don’t be a douchebag
No one likes the idiot who goes down into the dark basement all alone with nothing but a half-dead flashlight and a kitchen knife that can barely slice a bagel in two.  No one likes the moron who suggests everyone split up in the haunted mansion to save time.  No one likes the asslicker who whines about everything while the rest of the group is slogging through hordes of zombies.  This rule is self-explanatory – Don’t be “that guy”.  Don’t be a douchebag and do all the douchey things a douchebag does.

This rule goes double for relationships, so it can take the place of skipping rule number 3.  Seriously, don’t be a douche to your loved ones.

5. No back doors
This is one of the rules I have for every roleplaying character I’ve ever played.  Essentially it goes like this – if you leave a back door open, for example, leaving the monster “dead” without shooting it a few more times to be sure, or letting some creature go because “it’s not all bad,” it will come back to bite you in the ass.  Never leave something undone that should be completed.  Close the back doors and lock and barricade them.  Never treat anything as “harmless.”

In matters of the heart, this means never think anything is too trivial.  A smile, a kiss, a blowjob in the middle of the night…it all adds up.  Never assume that your lover simply knows how much you care.  Carve it into their heart.  Not literally, of course, because that would kill them.  But you get the idea.

Follow these five simple rules and you should be able to survive anything a movie director can throw at you, or a potential spouse.

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