I swear sometimes they don’t even try

I tried watching some low budget horror films on Netflix this weekend.  Usually this is a source of great joy and amusement for me.  Not this weekend.  No, this weekend I ran afoul of “Kill Katie Malone”.

This movie sucked all the joy out of the world, compressed it into a lump of coal, and served it as breakfast.

The movie is about a box that has a ghost in it, and you can ask the ghost to do something for you and it will.  Of course, it will also do evil stuff.  Just because.  And it will also haunt you, because you can’t get something for nothing, or something like that.  They’re never entirely clear.

The movie looks like it was shot on a pair of Jazz Flip cameras ($35 at your local BigLots!) and has all the pacing of a three legged mule.  The only good part of the film is Dean Cain, who I’ve always felt got crappy roles because of his stint on Lois and Clark.  He plays the original owner of the box whose daughter is killed in the opening of the film.  He looks good in this part, but he’s only in the movie for about five minutes.  When your big name draw is Dean Cain, by the way, you’re probably doing something wrong.

The film’s effects are…well, the ghost stuff is o.k., but how hard is it really to tie fishing line to stuff to make it move?  The “CGI” is very low rent, and the make up looks like stuff out of a Halloween USA.  Effects, though, don’t make a movie, actors do.  And these actors suck.  They fail at playing college kids.  That’s pretty much the most fail you can fail and not be sucked into a dimension of never ending failure.

The plot also sucks.  Things happen, people die, no one cares.  It’s just a really bad movie; it was so bad, I couldn’t even concentrate on other things while watching this.  It’s not even good as background noise!

To the makers of this horrible movie, I want that hour and thirty some odd minutes of my life back, please.

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