Welcome back to Watching Bad Movies. Today I’m watching “Yakuza Weapon” for you…but honestly, you should go watch this film. It’s so bad, so irredeemably awful, that it’s worth watching just to see how bad it is.
O.k., let’s start with a recap of the plot. The movie starts off with two military groups going head to head in a jungle. One side has black clad warriors who literally can’t be killed. Our main character, Shozo, says that bullets only hit you if you fear them, which he clearly does not. He rushes enemy positions, kills them with his martial arts, and at one point steps on a landmine and instead of being worried, asks for more explosives so they will propel him all the way to the enemy camp. They do, and he kills the leader of the other side. Then a group of Japanese secret agents drop in to tell Shozo that his father is dead. While Shozo hates his father, he does decide to return to Japan with his two buddies to see what’s up.
Back in Japan, Shozo discovers that his father was set up by his two junior partners, one of which is still a lowly toady while the other, Kurawaki, has become the defacto head of the Yakuza. Kurawaki also informs Nayoko, a female Yakuza, of his unhealthy fascination with her, and tells her that she will be his. However, it turns out the Nayoko was betrothed to Shozo long ago, and has been eagerly awaiting his return. Shozo slaughters his way through some punks and is basically indestructible until Nayoko tracks him down…she’s about the only one who can beat him up, mostly because he won’t fight back. He manages to elude her (as he’s clearly not ready to settle down), and goes on to check out his old haunts.
Unfortunately, Kurawaki decides to kidnap Nayoko, kill Shozo’s old friend, and basically set a trap for Shozo in his giant metal tower in the middle of Tokyo. On each level is a powerful opponent Shozo will have to face to save his fiance. Shozo, however, doesn’t really care that Nayoko is in the tower (he didn’t even care she’d been kidnapped), and instead of fighting his way up, he and his friend simply blow up the tower, leaving only one floor. This does save Nayoko from Kurawaki’s nefarious clutches (he had her chained up, wearing a sailor fuku, a pigtail wig and glasses so she looks like she did as a little girl, and he’d just attached a sex toy to a special harness on his belt…), but also pisses her off. Kurawaki’s assault helicopter saves the slimy crime boss and his weirdo companion, and also manages to blow off Shozo’s right arm and left leg. This, of course, only pisses Shozo off even more, and he shoots down the helicopter with a grenade launcher.
The Japanese secret agents return, this time to rebuilt Shozo into “the most powerful Yakuza ever”, which entails installing a Vulcan mini-gun in his right arm and a missile launcher in his left leg. The hospital where they perform the operation is attacked and Shozo gets his first taste of his new powers. Though they hurt to use, he’s highly impressed. A second attack wave comes just after Shozo and Nayoko have a fight, and Nayoko is again kidnapped. While Shozo and team fight their way through the new enhanced thugs (there’s a subplot about hyper-heroine…but whatever), Kurawaki taunts Nayoko with his secret weapon, Shozo’s old best friend, Tetsu, the only man to fight Shozo to a standstill.
Shozo eventually encounters Tetsu, who wields the strangest weapon you’ll ever see…his dead sister. Earlier in the film we see men attack Tetsu’s family home, including raping and murdering his sister. Now basically dead inside (and a hyper-heroine junkie), Tetsu has gone to work for Kurawaki, who rebuilt Tetsu’s sister into a living weapon. She’s bulletproof, has a gun in her mouth, fingers and toes, and oh yeah, a missile launcher where her coochie should be. Did I mention she was naked and he swings her around like a martial arts weapon?
At one point, he drops her to the floor and her head slides off her neck to reveal a heavy machine gun, which fires as he dry humps her. I can’t make this up, folks. That’s what happens. The whole scene is…freaky, especially when Shozo finally defeats the sister-cum-assault rifle by launching himself (with his missile launcher leg) across to room so he can punch her ass-missile launcher and cause the warhead to detonate inside her. It’s…seriously, I can’t even describe how fucked up this scene is, and yet funny at the same time.
With the sister of death defeated, Shozo and Tetsu proceed to beat each other senseless until Shozo eventually wins. He finds Kurawaki, who has installed a nuclear weapon in Shozo’s father’s corpse. Declaring the Yakuza don’t fear nuclear weapons (according to Shozo, Yakuza fear nothing…except perhaps arranged marriages), Shozo kills Kurawaki and sets off the bomb. And the movie ends.
That’s pretty much it, folks. Now, a little background. Apparently this movie was made over the course of 12 days and on a pretty slim budget. Even for that, the hand to gun and back is decent CGI, nothing special, but nice. The movie never takes itself seriously, which is also good. The action has some lulls from time to time, and it has some parts where you can really see how low budget this is (some of the bad guys literally explode in a red CGI spray when shot by Shozo’s gun, which while funny, looks kind of silly). On the other hand, it has a guy swinging a naked girl around and using her orifices as weapons.
And that’s pretty much all you need to know. The movie is worth watching just for that screen, not because it’s pornographic…it’s actually more cringe-worthy than sexy in any way, but because it’s just so surreal and yet by that point in the film you’re just like, “yeah, let’s go with this.”
Yakuza Weapons reminds me most of a toned down Tokyo Gore Police or Machine-Gun Girl, but it’s got attitude to spare, and naked girls as weapons, so maybe this one is actually worth a watch. It’s on Netflix right now, so if you have an hour and a half to waste, give it a look.