How to separate the hipsters who like to pretend to be geeks from the real thing…pass this or turn in your geek card.
1. You and a friend, both heavily armed and wearing black sunglasses, bust into the lobby of a bank where you spot a number of aliens. Are you:
B) all out of bubblegum
C) too old for this shit
D) in a computer simulation of reality
2. A witch has just attacked you, the hot girl you have your eye on, and the guy who tried to have you killed. After blasting the witch with your shotgun, what do you do next?
A) get an axe
B) light up your lucky cigar
C) nuke it from orbit
D) wait for your hologram friend to show up
3) A wizard has kidnapped your brother to a castle at the center of a dangerous maze, and you only have a few hours to save him. Which of these is most helpful to you?
A) your handy plumber’s tools along with a magic mushroom or two
B) a love of synth-pop, a surly midget, and cheap costume jewelry
C) your trusty bullwhip and fedora
D) your mask, sword and pirate ship you inherited from the previous captain
4) An evil clone of the creator of the world has sentenced you to fight in gladiatorial games. How do you escape?
A) with the help of a sexy woman in a sleek car
B) by popping your indestructible claws and carving your way out
C) transform into a truck and roll out
D) be rescued by a little green guy and a bunch of New Zealanders in armor
5. What time is it?
B) Peanut Butter Jelly
C) Morris Day and the Muthafuckin’
D) All of the above
6. You’re losing a duel with a master swordsman. How do you win?
A) revealing you are not left handed
B) shoot him with your revolver
C) lose your arm and be saved by a muppet
D) all of the above
7. Kim Cattrall is naked in your shower and a mutant rat creature is stalking the streets of London. You are:
A) Sherlock Holmes
B) Rutger Hauer
C) Sarah Jessica Parker
D) Roger Rabbit
8. Hicks, how long until we are reported overdue?
A) Six hours
B) Two months
C) Seventeen days
D) Game over, man
9. If it bleeds…
A) let it be
B) it must be human
C) it’s not a zombie
D) we can kill it
10. What does this rate on your weird-shit-o-meter?
11. Other than Tobin’s Spirit Guide, what book should you consult to learn about Zuul?
A) Necronomicon Ex-Mortis
B) Book of Shadows
C) Spates Catalog
D) Book of the Dead
12. Summoned by the Lament Configuration, what group are explorers in the further regions of experience?
A) The Federation of Planets
B) The Deadites
C) The Cenobites
D) The Goonies
13. Jean Grey is currently:
14. Where would I find Dire Maul?
C) Middle Earth
15. If you’re at your best when the run gets rough, you never get hit when your back’s to the wall, and you’ve been put to the test but it’s never enough, you have:
A) the Ultimate Improbability Drive
B) the Touch
C) Scoundrel’s luck
D) the Sword of Power
16. You are a leaf on the wind, watch you soar. Then watch you:
B) fight zombies
C) draw a picture really fast
D) get impaled by a giant spike
17. When you need to win back your girlfriend and survive a zombie horde, where is the best place to hole up?
A) a pub named after a rifle
B) a shopping mall
C) a farm in rural Georgia
D) the creepy house beside the cemetary
18. Speaking of zombies, you’re now facing some created by Trioxin 2-4-5. How do you kill them?
A) sever the head from the body
B) shoot them in the dead
C) lead stake two inches below the heart
D) you can’t, you’re fucked!
19. Who invented the frisbee?
A) Walter Frederick Morrison in 1938
B) Clint Eastwood in 1885
C) Bill S. Preston, Esq. in 1701
D) The Earl of Frisbee, c.1492
20. What nationality is Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez?
D) All of the above
Ok, pencils down. Here’s how to score your results…
The answer key (highlight to show):
1-B, 2-A, 3-B, 4-A, 5-D, 6-D, 7-B, 8-C, 9-D, 10-A, 11-C, 12-C, 13-C or D, 14-A, 15-B, 16-D, 17-A, 18-D, 19-B, 20-D
20 out of 20 – you are a god among geeks, all others must bow to you
18-19 – a master geek, all is proceeding as you have forseen
16-17 – a geek, but with so much potential
12-15 – a dabbler
8-11 – turn in your geek card, you lose
7 or less – look, you’re just not a geek. Accept it.
You get one bonus point if you disagree with one of the answers and can cite at least three sources to back you up.