Days of Darkness

Year: 2007
Director: Jake Kennedy
IMDB Link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0499456/

Rating: 1.5 out of 5

Review:
I’m usually a sucker for zombie films, so I went into Days of Darkness hoping for a quirky zombie flick ala Night of the Comet.  The description of the movie is almost identical; a small group of people are surrounded by zombies after a comet turns the bulk of the population into the living dead.  Night of the Comet, however, is a fun 80’s romp.  Days of Darkness is a soulless, vapid film with few redeeming qualities.

The movie begins with two young lovers camping out under the stars.  A comet, shown in pre-2000s CGI, passes over the Earth, breaking up into little pieces.  The next morning the couple discovers their car covered in comet dust.  Why it’s only on the car and not everywhere else is unknown.  They head back into town and run into, you guessed it, zombies.  Like all good horror film characters, they have never in their lives heard of zombies and so almost get killed when they try to help the poor shambling man.  They’re narrowly rescued by a guy wielding a machete doing his best Conner McCloud impersonation.  He takes them back to his base, an old air force radar tower.

Here we meet the cast, who are basically taken from every other zombie film ever made.  There’s the tough girl, the car salesman, the oppressed black guy with a heart of gold, the preacher (who you know is going to make trouble), the innocent waif and her mother, the porn star.  In fact, other than the porn star, who has some of the best lines in the early part of the film, all of the characters are just two-dimensional pastiches.  Let’s not forget, of course, the last member of the little crew; the jerk.  Yep, the guy with the gun, the one who thinks he calls the shots and acts like he has balls the size of Texas, and of course the couple immediately runs afoul of him on arrival.

I could summarize the rest of the movie, but I’m going to jump ahead to the “good parts.”  Apparently the zombies are hosts to small aliens who are in the brain, but they are using human males to create hybrids.  The male zombie’s genitalia fall off and these big swollen sacs appear bulging from their trousers.  Inside is a little three armed hybrid.  The women are apparently immune, unless you’re a virgin, which both the innocent waif and the main heroine are.  Both are suffering from an amazingly quick pregnancy, which the main character incorrectly assumes is because his honey was banging other guys.

People die, the zombies almost get in, the jerk finally gets sent away only to return with a truck full of badly needed supplies only to be killed by the waif, and the tough girl manages to get away.  We get down to the main characters, the couple from the beginning, alone in the tower, and here the movie goes full retard.

While the hero is apparently contemplating an alien-removing c-section on his girlfriend, he drinks down half a bottle of liquor and makes her drink a few swallows.  BAM! The alien leaps out of her coochie and he fights it off.  Huh?  OH!  Alcohol.  They can’t stand alcohol in the blood.  People who weren’t made zombies were drunk the night of the comet’s arrival.  And apparently a couple cap-fulls will send those aliens packing.

Yes, the moral of this entire movie is: ALCOHOL FIXES EVERYTHING.

The main characters continue to drink, getting totally sloshed and meandering out into the parking lot, giggle and guffawing as they shoot zombies (whom they could save with a bit of Listerine, apparently…but shooting is much easier).  As the credits roll, they get into a Hummer and go off to drive drunkenly through the streets.

This movie is just god awful.  There are very few redeeming parts…o.k., there are none.  The lead actress is kind of hot, and the porn star does have some very funny lines, but really this film is more like a really long, really bad commercial for Johnny Walker than anything else.

Remember folks, when the zombie apocalypse comes, drink up!

In any event, I don’t recommend watching this film unless you are, yourself, good and drunk.  It’s also a good revenge flick to force on friends.  Just keep telling them, “It gets better at the end, you’ll see.”  It never does, but you can laugh at them because you made them sit through a movie whose whole message is that alcohol is the savior of the human race.

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