Santa’s Slay

Year: 2005
Director: David Steinman
IMDB Link:

Rating: 4 out of 5

Let me get this out of the way right now: this is a terrible movie.  It is god-awful.  Here’s the entire plot – Santa Clause is actually the son of Satan and has come to seek his revenge on an angel who tricked him into being the lovable figure we all know a thousand years ago.  That’s the movie in a nutshell.  It’s got no real subplots at all, no character development, and basically is just a very silly movie.

And I absolutely loved it.  Santa’s Slay is a B-movie that’s well aware it’s a B-movie.  The cast had no aspirations to anything else.  Speaking of the cast, the opening scene features Rebecca Gayheart, Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher, and James freakin’ Caan!  This movie is worth watching just to see Santa (played by professional wrestler Bill Goldberg) kill Fran Descher, first by blowing fire on her, which burns most of her hair off, and then drowning her in eggnog.

How do you like my hat, Rabbis?

We have surprising talent throughout the film.  Saul Rubinek  plays the Jewish deli owner, Dave Thomas is the slimy preacher, and Tiny Lister pops up as a convenience store clerk.  Robert Culp, looking a bit like a walking skeleton, nonetheless turns in a good performance as the grandpa.

From watching Santa slaughter people with sharpened candy canes and, in one case, a stripper pole jammed in a light fixture, to the “helldeer” pulling the sleigh looking more like a bison with a glowing red nose, this movie just never takes itself seriously.  It’s got dick and fart jokes, bad puns, and ridiculous special effects.  In other words, it’s a perfect B-movie.

Santa will stuff your stocking!

They cover all the bases with this film.  There’s brief nudity, lots of violence, and curling.  Yes, curling, that “sport” where people slide rocks on ice.  Every Christmas pun comes out (“Who’s your daddy?  Me!  Father Christmas!”).  Santa divebombs the heroes with explosive presents, two foul mouthed kids get their heads blown off by similar presents, and we get a philosophical debate on how timezones work at the North Pole.

Again, this is a BAD movie.  You have to know that going into it.  You can’t just watch it expecting anything but an awful movie that will make you both groan and laugh.  It’s best watched drunk, stoned or both.  In fact, you probably can do the whole “Pink Floyd” thing to this movie and play the sounds from Wizard of Oz over this and it’ll synch up.  It’s just that crazy.

The movie sporadically appears on Netflix instant and it’s worth watching with some friends, especially during the holidays.

If you sing Great White North one more time, so help me I'll turn this sleigh around!

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